My Journey Into Darkness and Secrecy
by John Cozart

My journey actually began when I was a young boy. While visiting at a friend’s house in my neighborhood, I was exposed to pornographic magazines belonging to my friend’s father. The magazines were laying on the end table in plain view for all to see.

It has been nearly forty years since my first exposure to those images, and they have never left me. During my teen years, I maintained a collection of pornographic magazines in my bedroom. Feeding on those sensual images became very addictive. Unfortunately, I was unaware of the haunting and lasting effects those images and my addictive behavior would have on me later in life.

When I married the girl of my dreams at the age of 19, I thought that my life of masturbation and viewing pornography was over, finished, done with. Boy was I wrong. I brought the baggage of masturbation into my marriage.

For me, viewing Internet pornography started with a curious search, Playboy, Penthouse etc…  I recall clicking on links to find out where they would lead my wondering eyes.  It seemed that with every click of the mouse the material would become more sexually explicit.  It was as though I was on a pleasure seeking journey, unaware however that this journey was leading me into a dark and secret period in my life.

When I first started to view Internet pornography, I must admit that I was shocked at how sexually graphic the images were.  I had never seen or even imagined that this even existed and yet here it was, before my eyes, on my computer screen, and far more graphic than I had been exposed to in magazines.

At first my visits were brief; I didn’t want my wife to catch me looking at this stuff.

Late at night, I would return to my computer in my secluded little office located in my home.  My visits to porn sites became longer and my search for hardcore sex became more intense.  I really didn’t see the harm in what I was doing.  “I’m not hurting anyone”, I thought to myself.

It’s difficult to put into words the intense high that I felt while viewing porn.  Well, this behavior became very addictive and went on for several years.  During my secret journey, I maintained my status as a loving husband, father, and committed church leader.

I was so caught up in porn that I was blind to the fact that the intimacy that I once had with God was non-existent.  I had also failed to notice the toll that my addictive behavior had taken on my relationship with my wife, my children, and my friends.  I had become disconnected from God, my wife, my children, and my friends.

Finding My Way Back

I remember the overwhelming guilt that would come over me after looking at porn.  I thought to myself, “You liar, you hypocrite.”  How could I continue living a double life?  In church on Sunday morning and yet continuing to look at porn every chance I got. Was I truly a Christian?  Was my love for my wife and children real or a lie?  I hated the man that I had become. I was a traitor.

I would pray, I mean really pray, asking God to forgive me and take the desire to look at porn from me.   I recall being sexually pure for several days, perhaps even weeks at a time.  I remember thinking, “Could this be it? Have I turned the corner and finally put this behind me?”  Then a set back would happen, either with work or at home, that would leave me feeling dejected and depressed.  It never failed that during these low points, I would always find myself alone at home.  I was lured to the computer like a lamb to the slaughter.  It became a vicious cycle.

Looking back, one of the biggest mistakes that I made when I started my own business in 1992 was setting up my office in my home.  As it turned out, I was home more during the day than my wife who was a stay at home mom.  My situation played right into Satan’s hands.

I was so sick and tired of my double life; sick of the lying, sick of the planning, and sick of the hiding.  I desperately wanted to get back the intimacy that I once had with God.  I had been taken captive, and I wanted to be set free but how?

In the fall of 2005, a good friend of mine from church gave me a CD titled Somebody’sDaughter, Confronting the lies of pornography.  The CD is a collection of songs and spoken words created to minister to men who are held captive by pornography and who desire to be set free.  I listened to that CD over and over.  For the first time in my life, I realized that I was not alone in my sin and that there were thousands of other men just like me; good men, family men, men who loved God but who had been taken captive by the deception and lies of pornography.  I also realized that there was HOPE.  I didn’t have to live in bondage to pornography another day.  I could be free.   That is when I decided enough is enough.  Make no mistake about it; God orchestrated the placement of Somebody’s Daughter into my hands.  God is the one who has brought me up out of the horrible pit and the miry clay (Psalm 40:2).

Somebody’s Daughter introduced me to what I believe to be the six keys to sexual purity. The first key is confession, being honest about my struggle and telling a Godly man about my struggle with pornography and masturbation.  The second key is accountability.  Seek out the accountability of two or three men.  James 5:16 says, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”  Third, incorporate new disciplines such as bouncing the eyes from the sensual in our surroundings.  Job 31:1 says, “I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.”  In other words, I am to look away from the sensual and not allow my mind to draw any sexual gratification from anything or anyone other than my wife.  Fourth, counseling.  Not everyone will feel that counseling is necessary; however, it may play an important role in breaking the porn and masturbation cycle.  The fifth key is hard work and discipline. You have to come to the place where you hate your sin more than you love the reward of your sin.  The last key to sexual purity and the most important is prayer and God’s Word.   I have immersed myself in the Word of God, making it a priority to pray and read God’s Word daily. In doing so, I have come to know first hand the power of the Holy Spirit.   

I will always have to guard against my eyes honing in on the sensual in my surroundings, for I know that my eyes are the portals through which sexual images enter my mind.

October of 2007 marked my two-year anniversary of being set free from the bondage of Internet porn.  My passion for sexual purity led me to start Unshackled Ministries in early 2007. It is my sincere prayer, and I believe, calling, to positively impact individuals and families in churches all across America by helping them overcome the pervasiveness and destructiveness of pornography.  It is my deepest desire to see those who have been taken captive by pornography set free, and their intimacy with God restored.

If you are serious about sexual purity, and you desire real intimacy with God, isn’t it time that you put your foot down and say enough is enough?  Psalm 107:14 says, “He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains.”  I would encourage you to listen to the CD Somebody’s Daughter.  What a great resource to have.  I believe that every man should have a copy of Somebody’s Daughter.  God has given us all that we need to win this battle over sexual sin.  I believe that you too can win this battle, one day and one victory at a time. 

May you find strength in HIM,

John Cozart